a comprehensive review of my neighbor’s lawn mowing schedule

For the past 247 days, I have been conducting an important sociological study from my home office window. The subject: my neighbor Dave and his relationship with his lawn mower.

the methodology

My research involved careful documentation of each mowing event, including:

• Start time (consistently 7:32 AM on Saturdays)
• Duration (42-67 minutes, depending on how many times he stops to adjust his baseball cap)
• Mowing pattern (primarily diagonal with occasional artistic flourishes)
• Post-mow celebration ritual (one beer, consumed while admiring his work from the driveway)

key findings

Dave appears to believe that grass grows faster when you have important Zoom meetings or are trying to sleep in. His mower—a 2018 model that I’ve named “The Awakener”—operates at precisely the decibel level needed to penetrate closed windows, noise-canceling headphones, and human sanity.

the psychological impact

I’ve developed a pavlovian response to the sound of his garage door opening. My eye now twitches involuntarily at 7:30 AM every Saturday, regardless of whether I’m at home or vacationing three states away.

comparative analysis

Dave’s lawn-mowing frequency exceeds the neighborhood average by 37%. His lawn, however, appears identical to all other lawns on the street, raising profound questions about the nature of suburban existence and the human need to exert control over small patches of grass.

conclusion

I’ve considered moving, but I fear that wherever I go, there will always be a Dave. Perhaps the Dave is not just a neighbor but a universal constant—as reliable as death, taxes, and the mysterious disappearance of matching socks from the dryer.

In my next study, I’ll be analyzing the correlation between Dave’s mowing schedule and my increasingly creative collection of earplugs.